


didn’t leave nobody but the baby

by Jennifer-Oksana (JenniferOksana)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Afterlife, Character Death, F/M, Pregnancy, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 18:38:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5836450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferOksana/pseuds/Jennifer-Oksana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not goodbye. It's just until we meet again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	didn’t leave nobody but the baby

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I did my bleeding.

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I died.

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I’m dead.

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And it’s your fault.

You let me die. You told me you loved me when you helped me put that thing in my body and in the end I didn’t leave nobody but the baby.

If you want to call it a baby.

I should have known, God, my God, why didn’t I know, GodGodGod god.

There’s not even a God anyway. Forget it.

I didn’t ever want anything as much as I wanted this. I only wanted good. I only wanted to have something in this world that was good, that was something not full of darkness and pain and everything ugly and inhuman.

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They didn’t let me hold it. It lived, it cried for its mother, but I was already gone, crying my eyes and bleeding my life out in the white room, the white white room where they take ladies who have babies who aren’t babies. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have anyone because you went away. There was no one to help me.

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Before you left me behind, you gave me a big bear hug and a poisoned dream that I too could have a child of my own, a child of my own body, something precious that was mine and yours, no matter how impossible it was for there to be a you and me.

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I loved you. With all my stupid, trusting heart I loved you. I wanted you to love me. I understood that you didn’t want me. I wished and I wished but I understood. But it was going to be our baby. And as much as I wanted a baby, I wanted our baby more. It was the only thing that was ours that could last.

But your love ate me body and soul from the womb out, taking away all the color and blood and life until I saw my body lying there on a white bed, the same color as the bleached sheets. If it weren’t for my hair and for the color of my eyes staring up, there would have been no me to leave behind.

<>

When you touched me that night when

I wouldn’t be told no

Your finger on my lips

slowly drifting down

Your hand on my waist

pulling me closer

There were no words

and I wanted you so much

that I wanted to die.

Surprise.

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Did you know that night that you were dying?

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Did you know when I asked you to be the father?

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Why didn’t you tell me? Why couldn’t you have saved my life?

One selfless act for the ages.

Did you hate me that much?

<>

It was a miracle, though.

I was going to have our baby.

Science didn’t get me anywhere but love, one night of simple love, was going to get me everything I wanted. Because if love could give me our baby, I could find you with the same power.

I didn’t know that I had a time bomb living inside of me, stalking me like a shadow of the valley. Somebody said that you’re born with your death standing beside you.

I think that was someone who knew what he was talking about.

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I don’t know if I hate you.

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I should. There was so much that you never told me. You said you loved me, you said you believed in me, that you trusted me. Why did you go to North Carolina every weekend without me? Why didn’t you tell me you went?

I would have been there for you. If you trusted me, you should have told me.

But you didn’t tell me.

What’s that say about us?

<>

And yet I don’t hate you. Because I remember when I was in your arms and we were together that one perfect night.

You did love me. You loved me so much that I can forgive you (almost) for killing me. That night, we were the one couple in a million or a billion or six billion that finds true love. That was the night you gave me my wish.

That was the night.

That was the night.

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I wonder what they’ll do with our baby. The only proof I lived and died. Will it go in a jar on a shelf in a sterile room?

Will it live?

Will it destroy everything that we ever wanted or loved or gave two shits about?

What did I give birth to?

<>

mother and child

but this is no holy infant, tender and mild.

It cried for its mother. But what’s a mother for something that’s not human and that never existed? What’s a mother to a child of science and domination?

It was what our love brought into the world.

<>

I don’t hate you. I don’t hate it. I just wish things had been different.

I wish you had loved me enough to tell me the truth.

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Can you feel that I’m no longer with you?

Do you even know that I’m dead?

Do you know where you are, somewhere up beyond the stars where even now, I can’t find you?

I’ve died. And you’re nowhere to be found.

<>

But now I have forever to look.

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Dying is nothing like falling asleep.

It’s more like waking up.

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And I’m beyond all the conspiracies and all the desires of flesh and blood and soul. I’m somewhere you can’t see. But you’ll be here. Someday. Everyone comes here.

My God, Mulder.

It’s full of stars.

And I’ll see you again.

I know that.

<>

When you see me again, will you remember me? Will you remember that you killed me with the only night you gave just to me out of the thousand nights we could have had? Or will I just be another nightmare face among the billions who wait for the redemption that doesn’t come?

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I’ll be here. Waiting for you.

END

 


End file.
